Thought So

Man, Fuck New Yonk

New Yonk sucks shit; I know, I went there once. It's dirty, and cold, and damp, and nashty. Nobody drives on the roads except for a bunch of stupid Egyptian cab drivers, so naturally, the streets are all fucked up like some retarded Egyptian asshole built em. Groceries are hard to come by. You have to eat fast food when you're in NY. New Yonkers, and those of the high class persuasion might call this shit fine dining, but I call it fast food. As far as I'm concerned, if you didn't make it, and you got it to-go, and it’s not a fancy dark restaurant with candles on the tables, it’s fast food.

Fuck the food in New Yonk.

And fuck Drunkin Donuts. New Yonkers swear by that shit, but it sucks. It's just donuts, people.

And fuck public transport. It’s really not that convenient.

May I ax you dis – why are New Yonkers so fucking rude?

It’s like they skipped elementary and junior high and just went to a technical school.

They know how to use computers for the email, but have no grammar and always cut (angrily) to the chase of whatever it is they want.

They’re like angry chimpanzees who know how to call, text and email. They’re very tech-savvy chimps.

Maybe it’s something in the water? New Yonk is dirty as fuck, after all.

Maybe it’s the lack of natural sunlight – since the entire city is engulfed in a dark haze.

Maybe it’s because all they eat is fast food and Drunkin Donuts.

Maybe they’re stressed out from the astronomical price of rent.

Maybe their a bunch of chimps?

Story Time

Let me see... what do I hate?
Baseball.

Baseball sucks.

Here's why:
Nothing but a bunch of daddy's boys play the baseball. They're trained by their loving fathers to swing a bat and throw a ball since birth because their daddies fucked up their semi-professional career when they got mommy pregnant.

Daddy will help train you to be a dickhead to others because 'you're better' than them, and will buy you your first car at the age of 15 because he's a 'cool dad.' He'll take you out to early dinners at hamburger places and chew gum obnoxiously fast during your practice games. He'll get belligerently drunk and slap mommy while the 'Sox' or whomever win the 'pennant.'

There's an air about baseball players that rubs me the wrong way.
How they gallantly hold their heads high because their posture is perfect from having a large bed and nutritious food nightly. They drive classic cars that sound like shit and look like their shitting. They have nice suits that they wear at the YYZ airport and won't move for me even when I say 'excuse me' unpleasantly loud.

Basically their all cocksuckers.
Trying to please their daddy by proving they can do it. Trying not to let dad down.
"Grown men don't cry, son." "Throw the ball harder." "Focus." "Major league or no league." "I smell scholarship."

Well let me tell you something, Mr. Fucking Baseball - you're all gonna lose.
No matter how hard you swing a bat, or how fast you throw a fucking ball; no matter what car you drive, or how goddamn tall you are, there's two things you can look forward to:
1. You will get hurt and "have to retire from baeball."
2. You will have a son that you can fuck in the ass with a baseball, just like your dad did to you.
3. - this one's a bonus: You will have a beer belly, cuz baseballers love full-bodied beer. That's why they hit mommy so often.

UGH